It goes on and on

There have been more times than I like to think about throughout my life when I've thought that the Universe really doesn't like me.
How could I think such a thing? Read on my friend, read on.
Before I begin this tale of woe, I want to you know that every word of it is true and unembellished.
OK, we have to go back in time, to the beginning, the first time in my life when I experienced this weird, baffling relationship I have with the Universe.
I was at a friends and we were playing "Hide the Bead."
Driven by a sudden wild desire to be perfect, to be the best bead hider ever, I found myself behind a living room easy chair staring at the bead, pondering the perfect hiding place. And then it came to me. And I was absolutely right. No one guessed that I had hidden the tiny orb up my nose.
My bewildered friends sat frustrated in front of me and I gloried in that moment when I could finally reveal my genius to them. That's when it all went horribly wrong. I couldn't get the damn thing out of my nose.
To the sound of children's laughter, my mother led me out of the house and to the doctor's where he conducted an emergency bead-ectomy and removed the object. A little older and no wiser, my friends and I (prepubescent teens) used to like to go to the Lakefield arena to watch boys play hockey. I had one pair of really cool jeans but they were dirty so I dashed downstairs and put them in the washer. When they were done I threw them immediately into the dryer. My friends showed up before the cycle was done, but when I felt the jeans I thought they'd be OK, that I could handle a little dampness to look hot.
We got to the arena, sat on our favourite bench so we could see the boys and they could see us, and my jeans started steaming. Great gusts of steam were rising from my damp, denim-clad thighs.
I left, red-faced, with the sound of teen laughter echoing in my ears.
Fast forward a few years to a time when I was taking a computer course at Fleming College. As I was walking along a path to school, a black cat crossed my path. When I saw it I felt special. I loved black cats and figured maybe it was a sign of really good luck. And then the cat stopped and pooped in my path.
Message received loud and clear!
Then there was the time I went for an interview for a waitress job at the Rockhaven. I wore my best skirt and when I walked in all these people were staring at me and I was feeling pretty fine. I knew I looked great in that skirt.
The interview went really well and the people who had watched me walk in watched me walk out too. I must be looking good.
When I got home I went to my room and did a celebratory twirl in front of the mirror. That's when I noticed my skirt was tucked up into my underwear in the back.
I never heard back from the Rockhaven.
And just the other week, I finished work early on a Friday and went to a local store (I can't bring myself to tell you which one) and was shopping for blouses for work. I was going to be looking pretty sharp in these clothes I tell ya.
Then, for no reason I could fathom, my bowel turned to liquid and I was left frantically dashing around the store, all the while trying to look calm and relaxed, looking for someone to tell me where the heck the bathroom was.
I had to break into a conversation a store employee was having with his boss, but this was an emergency. He pointed toward the back of the store, got on the intercom system to announce that someone had to meet a customer at the door at the back of the store, and I was walked through the back of the store to the employee locker area where the tiny bathroom was and was grateful to find it empty.
The woman who led me in left me which made me even more grateful.
The end came and I got up to leave only to find the toilet wouldn't flush.
I left as quickly and as unobtrusively as possible.
You see what I mean? Now do you understand how I could get the idea that the Universe has it in for me?
I was thinking about all this the other day and then I looked at my daughter who will turn four in January and suddenly I saw everything differently.
The words from a Sound of Music song kept running through my head,
"Somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
I must have done something good."
And that settled it for me, now power that could give me a gift as great as my daughter could hate me. I figure it's more than the Universe has this really weird sense of humour and it is bound and determined to make sure I never take myself too seriously.
And for that I am grateful.